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Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" Asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

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Fitness Thoughts

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog... it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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Fishing Secret

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.

Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro asks, "What did you say?"

Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."

Jethro again asks, "What?"

Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

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The Facts Of Life

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge. Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

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If I Could Talk To The Animals

A ventriloquist walked up to an Indian and said "I'll bet I can make your horse talk."
Indian: "Horse no talk"
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Hi horse. How does you master treat you?"
Horse: "Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make you dog talk."
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Ventriloquist: "Sure watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you good?"
Dog: "Oh! He treats me good. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me."
Ventriloquist: "I'll bet I can make your sheep talk."
Indian: "Sheep Lie! Sheep Lie!"

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Drink To Friendship

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely. "I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied. The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship." "That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share. "I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?" "No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

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A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch
and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honourable sir :

You leave house.
I watch house
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee,
Chen Lee.

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DOUBLE VODKA

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six
double vodka."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same
drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double vodkas.
The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

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When interviewing many years ago for a secretarial post, a candidate arrived flustered and late and then explained at length that she had been having a difficult time in her relationship with her boyfriend but that that morning they had made up and she was late because... She then went on to explain (in more detail than I wanted to hear) that he was a wonderful lover and hadn't wanted to break up with him so the reconciliation was very important to her... more important than turning up on time. She wasn't hired.

More embarrassing than the interview was the reaction of the female colleague who was helping me with it. She laughed uproariously afterwards at my obvious discomfiture throughout the interview, and then proceeded to tell everyone else in the office!

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I run a fairly cable intensive home network, and I get grief from friends & partner for my neat cabling obsession. But once you've tripped over the wires running from your video card to your TV going for a piss at 4am, and chip a tooth when your mouth hits the arm of a chair on the way down, you get neat."

"I had a stupid boss once that after I had wired everything with color coded patch cables came through the server room and went nuts because he did not want different colored or lengths of cables. I had to redo it all with 6 foot blue cables. I left soon after.

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My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I's able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.

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Someone I met in university was playing Capture The Flag on campus one night. He saw some girl on the other team, so he started running at her. She ran away, and he kept chasing her. Eventually, he cornered her, at which point she started screaming her lungs out. Apparently she wasn't part of the game."

"Ages ago, before I started university, I was wandering around in the twisty backstreets near my school dorm at about 10pm (just wandering, not really going anywhere). This young lady was walking in front of me for a while, when she suddenly broke into a run and disappeared down the street. I was all "Wtf?!?" until I realised that she must have been nervous about some foreigner following her for a couple of hundred meters...

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I had to call in to Telus Internet service to address a problem and was asked my secret questions. Being the flippant ass I am, Telus lets you type your own secret question and answers so I took the liberty of coming up with some, ah, inappropriate questions and answers. Needless to say, the support agent on the line started to giggle when she had to read my secret questions: Question: How do I masturbate in the shower? Answer: With my SpongeBob SquarePants friend. Question: What is the most sexually satisfying farm animal? Answer: The Llama. I am not sure who was more embarrassed, me or the agent as I had forgotten that I even made up those questions in the first place

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As an example, my sister's ex-boyfriend (they'd broken up before this) was a pathological liar who bulled his way into a job at a wildlife park on the basis of watching a few similar shows on TV. In the first (and last) month of his employment there he lost an arm (at the shoulder) to a large croc in front of the tourists when he went in to the enclosure to feed her. He didn't know how to approach them and the Steve-Irwin-Types made it look much easier than it really is.

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I am a keen mountain-biker, and was the proud owner of a fairly expensive mountain bike. My bike was fitted with 'V' brakes, which are extremely effective, though prone to squealing. My dear brother decided to have a ride on my bike one day, while I was out. He noticed the squealing as he cycled down the hill we live on, towards the invariably busy crossroads at the bottom. Being a helpful sort, he headed back home and proceeded to pour a generous amount of 3-in-1 oil onto the brakes, before once more setting off down the hill. The oil worked! The only reported squealing came from my brother, as he slammed into the side of a moving VW Beetle. To this day he sports an impressive scar running from his eye socket to just past his ear.

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