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My friend informed me of the REAL reason his boss was off work, a truth that he would not admit to his customers.

He had arranged a romantic weekend with his girlfriend, and had decided to spice up the evening with chocolate body paint. The instructions on the jar say to warm it in the microwave for a few seconds, but he misread the directions and microwaved it on high for two minutes.

You know how a mother tests baby milk on the back of her hand, to make sure it's not too hot? He didn't. He proceeded to pour the VERY hot chocolate onto his privates without realizing, until it made contact, exactly how hot it was. He suffered nasty burns, which gave him a John Wayne walk for weeks, and almost certainly put him out of sexual action for longer than that!

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I hired several laborers to prepare two garden areas for me. They needed some supplies, so I showed them the location of ice water and the bathroom, and left to obtain the supplies. Upon my return, I found an ambulance in front of my home, along with two police cars.

The police informed me that the neighbor had called 911 to report a naked man screaming and running around the yard next door.

As it turned out, one of the laborers had needed to answer the call of nature. Rather than use the bathroom, he went into the woods behind our house, dropped his trousers, and squatted down - right on top of a huge nest of hornets.

He was released from the hospital after a week, having learned a very painful and nearly fatal lesson: always watch where you're going

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In the TBG (time before google) my mother-in-law died. The funeral was out of town and the stupid, stupid newspaper printed this fact along with the dates and times of the wake and funeral and her address. When we got back her house looked like Christmas morning after the Grinch had come to town. I'm surprised they didn't steal the wallpaper off the wall; they certainly had enough time."

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This happened only a few hours ago. I am typing this account with my right hand, because my left is heavily bandaged and very painful. My colleague urged me to share my experience, because we both enjoy and recommended your site.

We work as engineers in Namibia, and my work consists of lots of off-road driving in the bush. That takes its toll on my pickup's cleanliness, so today I decided to steam clean the vehicle. I realized that I might damage the paint job by using very hot water propelled by a high pressure pump, so I decided to test the water's temperature and pressure before applying it to the surface of my car. I tested it like a hairdresser does - with the expected result that my hand was severely cut and burned

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An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.
The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."
The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs."
The doctor says, "Well, I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."
The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began: "Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Sardar were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that we caught you and we're going to kill you and eat you and then use your skin to build a canoe. But the good news is that you can choose how you want to die."

The Frenchman asks for a sword and runs himself through muttering his last words, "Vive la France!"

The Englishman asks for a gun and putting the gun to his head says, "God save the Queen!" and blows his brain out.

The Sardar asks for a fork.

The chief is puzzled but hands it to him anyway.

Taking the fork, the Sardar starts jabbing it all over -- the stomach, the chest, the sides and everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, its horrible.

The chief is appalled even for a cannibal, he asks, "My God Almighty, what are you doing?"

Sardar replies, "So much for your CANOE!"

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Bitch Literal

Three guys are in a bar discussing how much their wives bitch at them. They decide that when they get home, they'll do everything that the women ask.

The next weekend, they are in the same bar.

The first guy says "Man, I don't think that our idea was so great! I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I dropped my cigarette on the couch. My wife said why don't you burn the whole house down? That place is still smoldering."

The second guy said "That ain't nothing. I was working on the car, and dropped my wrench and it nicked the fender. She said why don't you tear the whole car apart? It took me all night."

The third guy said "You guys don't have nothing on me. When I walked in the door, my wife was doing the dishes, and I felt a little romantic. I reached down, and grabbed her crotch, she said "Cut that out!" He held out his hands. "Ever seen one of these real close?"

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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

-- (brace yourself) --

-- (this is going to hurt) --

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this mans anus, but licked my index finger!

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Just In Case

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla shoot the dog.''

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I do know of a guy who was fired at some company and was left to finish his shift. He wasn't escorted out or monitored and decided to place clear scotch tape over a few dozen optical sensors on the production line after his shift. This was on Friday and it took three weeks to get the production line going again. Every section was registering an obstruction when there wasn't, the computer was replaced two times and you couldn't see the tape on the sensor heads. Eventually someone decided to replace everthing on the control and safety circuits and found the cause later.

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Horny wife

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.

She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a Lingerie shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.

"Want some of this?" she purred.

"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your underwear!"

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I am a keen mountain-biker, and was the proud owner of a fairly expensive mountain bike. My bike was fitted with 'V' brakes, which are extremely effective, though prone to squealing. My dear brother decided to have a ride on my bike one day, while I was out. He noticed the squealing as he cycled down the hill we live on, towards the invariably busy crossroads at the bottom. Being a helpful sort, he headed back home and proceeded to pour a generous amount of 3-in-1 oil onto the brakes, before once more setting off down the hill. The oil worked! The only reported squealing came from my brother, as he slammed into the side of a moving VW Beetle. To this day he sports an impressive scar running from his eye socket to just past his ear

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A few years back, I worked for Lloyds TSB, as an web admin monkey, updating their graduate recruitment site. This was around the time of the foot and mouth crisis, and, whilst bored, I changed the horse logo to a cow, and the name to Lloyds BSE, on the screensaver graphic file i had access to - just a bit of dumb photoshopping. I didnt realise that, since I was updating the site, I had full access to the London network. The next morning, everyones machines, including front line branch machines, was displaying my 'edited' version. I was given an *instant* dismissal. My bank account was cancelled and refunded to me, I was walked out of the building by security at 11am. Although it's not enforced - I signed a form stating that I was legally not to enter a branch of Lloyds TSB again. As I left the building, not a single person smiled, they all looked at me like I'd just killed a puppy.

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